What To Do When Your Ex Says There Is No Chance

What To Do When Your Ex Says There Is No Chance


Today, we’re going to talk to you about what
to do when your ex says there’s no chance of getting back together. But first, my name is Clay and I’m with Modern
Love.life. If you like what we’re doing here, please
make sure that you give this video a thumbs up, leave a comment down below, or if you’re
new here, feel free to subscribe to this channel to get more videos like this one. Okay, so when your ex says that you don’t
have a chance, we need to get into understanding what’s happening on an emotional level between
the two of you. So first of all, it could be that you’re directly
asking them, “Hey, are we going to get back together? Do we have a chance of getting back together?” In which case, I don’t want you to do that
anymore. Stop doing that, for now anyway. We’re going to get into why in a little bit. If they’re just bringing it up on their own,
it’s because they can sense that you probably want to get back together. If the two of you are spending time together
or meeting up or talking or whatever, and they’re telling you without you asking them
directly, and they’re telling you we don’t have a chance of getting back together, then
there’s something going on there as well too. And what’s going on in this situation is that
we have a way of being that you’re having in this situation that is causing them to
believe that you are relationship-focused. Now if you are relationship-focused, then
this will make a lot of sense. If you’re not approaching the situation as
being relationship-focused, then we’re going to have to take a look at specifically certain
things that you might be doing or saying or that could be giving your ex that impression. So what I mean by relationship-focused is
that you are interacting with your ex with the intended outcome of trying to get back
together into a relationship with them. And you might be thinking, okay, well, yeah,
of course I want to get back together with my ex. Of course, I want to get into a relationship
with them. I mean, what am I supposed to do? How are people supposed to work things out? And the thing with all of this is that if
you prioritize the outcome of getting back into a relationship above understanding your
ex, connecting with them on an emotional level, understanding how they’re feeling, meeting
them where they’re at emotionally and all of these sorts of things, your ex is going
to think that you care less about them, less about how they feel, less about what their
concerns are than you do about just ticking the box of getting back into a relationship. And this is not a good place to be. Now, why is that? It’s because your ex is under the impression,
rightly deserved or wrongly deserved, that you just want to get into a relationship with
them for whatever. But it’s your own agenda. Maybe it’s so that you can feel better, because
maybe the breakup is hitting you in a really hard way. Maybe it’s because you just want to tick the
box of being in a relationship so that your parents or your grandparents or whatever will
stop pestering you about, when you’re going to settle down? When are you going to get married, and all
of that. Maybe it’s, whatever it might be. But if your ex believes that you have a hidden
agenda of getting back into a relationship with them that comes above understanding them,
meeting them where they’re at emotionally, and actually addressing their concerns, that
is when your ex is going to pull away and pull away hard. Because we don’t want to be in a relationship
with somebody who doesn’t value our opinions. We don’t want to be in a relationship with
somebody who doesn’t take the time to understand us. We don’t want to be in a relationship with
somebody where we get the sense that we’re just a warm body that’s filling the role of
a partner, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a whatever, a spouse. And it doesn’t really matter who it is. We just happen to be the person that’s there
at the right place and the right time. That’s not something that feels good. We want to be in a relationship with somebody
because there’s something special between the two of us. We want to be in relationships with people
because there’s some sort of connection, because it’s not just something that you can have
with the next warm body who happens to say, “Yeah, let’s be in a relationship together.” So if being relationship-focused isn’t going
to get you where you want to go, what is going to help you when your ex tells you there’s
no chance between the two of us? Okay. So instead of being relationship-focused,
what I want you to do is I want you to be connection-focused. What this means is that we’re not so focused
on where this is leading? What is this going to look like? Is there going to be some sort of commitment? Are we going to get back together? Are we going to get married? Are we going to do all of these other things
together? What we want to do is we want to focus on
what’s happening in the here and now between us and our ex, and this means letting go of
where things are going to lead in the future. Now, if you think about how you and your ex
first got together, this is probably how it went. Now most people when they start dating, they
meet somebody who, sure that person is attractive. Sure, that’s great, but you know, attraction
alone is not going to get you into a relationship. What you need is to actually have some sort
of connection, some sort of shared value, some sort of shared experiences, if I can
get my words out straight here … that let the two of you know that, Hey, sure this is
an attractive person, but beyond that, are there other things happening that are going
to make us want to spend time together? Make us want to commit together? Make us want to actually share more experiences
together? And this is where building a strong emotional
connection comes into play really, really, really well. So again, we’re letting go of this idea, this
belief, this thought that, okay, we need to get back together with our ex at all costs,
because it’s going to make us feel better, because maybe we’re in damage control mode
from a breakup. Maybe we just feel bad. Maybe we didn’t want the breakup to begin
with. Maybe we’re having a hard time with rejection
or anything like that. And we want to get into a place where we can
prioritize the emotional connection. And what’s going to happen is actually as
the emotional connection between you and your ex starts to strengthen as the two of you
start to let go of this ultimate outcome of where are things going, and you’re actually
able to just enjoy interacting with one another. Enjoy sharing moments with one another. Enjoy talking to one another. Enjoy laughing. Enjoy staying up till midnight just talking
about all the random things that the two of you might be able to talk about together and
just connect. What that’s going to do is it’s going to form
a stronger emotional foundation between the two of you. And what’s going to happen is that as that
emotional foundation strengthens, it’s going to give your ex a reason to want to continue
to interact with you. A reason to pursue a stronger connection,
a reason to spend more time with you. And what’s going to happen is as that emotional
foundation continues to get stronger and stronger and stronger and stronger over several interactions,
your ex is naturally going to start thinking, maybe we should get back together. Maybe I was wrong to leave you in the first
place. Maybe there is some sort of future for us
together. And this is where things start to flip between
you and your ex. And how do we get there? How do we build up that emotional connection? Okay, so this is where the advanced relational
skills that we’ve talked about on many of our previous videos really come into play
big time. Now if you are unfamiliar with these, feel
free to check out the playlist up there that I’m going to link to about advanced relational
skills. I’ll also put information for it down in the
description box and down in the comment section below. But these advanced relational skills are going
to allow you and your ex to connect in a deeper way. Okay? So that is important, but what does it you
actually say when your ex says there’s no chance between us. Okay. How do you actually make that shift from relationship-focused
to connection-focused? And the way that you do that is you sometimes,
I mean, sure, how you bring yourself to the interaction is definitely important. And we can talk about that if there ever comes
a point where we work together or something like that. But what you want to do sometimes is also
just let your ex know by broadcasting overtly to them that this is not going to be a relationship-focused
dynamic. This is not about me trying to force some
sort of agenda and I don’t care about how you feel. I don’t care about what’s going on with you. I don’t care about what your emotional state
is. I just want you to tick the box of being in
a relationship for my own needs, and your needs come secondary to that. This is not that. You need to show them that you’re shifting
away from that. And the way that you do that is you tell them,
“Hey, I’m not trying to force anything that’s not there between the two of us. In fact, I just enjoy spending time with you
and I’m hoping that we can be friends for the time being.” And what this does is it addresses your ex’s
primary concern and causes them to shift down to that connection focus. And of course, I know probably some of you
are like, “Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. You just put yourself in the friend zone there.” And we’ve talked about this before. Again, I’ll go ahead and put another video
link to the whole friend zone thing up there if that’s something that you’re concerned
about. Basically, you don’t need to be concerned
about it, but we’ll talk about that at another point in time. So anyway, I hope this has helped answer that
question for you of what to do when your ex says there’s no chance. And once again, if you like what we’re doing
here, please feel free to subscribe to this channel, hit that thumbs up button, and leave
a comment down below letting me know what you think. Anyway, this has been Clay. I’ll talk to you next time. Take care.

19 Comments

  • Swagsuke Uchiha says:

    Move on. That is all

    Also first

  • Clay Andrews says:

    Here are the links that I mentioned in the video…

    Advanced Relational Skills: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tFxxSsmM_k&list=PLBHfQVp_OsaVj4oom5Cr0Kp2Bp8JphE5w

    Being Friends with an Ex: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gYpdtrZ27A&list=PLBHfQVp_OsaXUM4Oe1gTB06FolzTWg9uH&index=8

  • Tya Greentree says:

    And what about if he's a new relationship for about a year. He got with this person within 3 months after breaking up

  • Lena Schaef says:

    That's kind of what he said last week but at least we're back in touch. Wall of reactance CHECK 🙂
    I am in a much better place and hope I can slowly get him to spend some time again, so he can see and think about it. My ex is hot and cold for 2,5 years 😣 Might get in touch for coaching and wait for a free spot but l think I've already learned so much over the years with you

  • sergio Lopez says:

    im the worst with women but i did enjoy your video thank you

  • Lena Schaef says:

    Wow, 2 years ago I've been so much into Damage Control Mode that I didn't even UNDERSTAND what you're saying. You're so damn right. This is so much deeper than no contact. I feel like everyone else just wanted to protect US from getting hurt rather than HELPING to save things at any cost. Thank you, Clay!

  • Valentina Nocross says:

    Clay you are the reason I got my ex back. no contact wasn't going to be effective . Our relationship actually went into a third round. Nobody else on u tube has explained ex emotional situations so we'll. But I had to be willing to walk away…and accept his idea of friends… Exactly what you said in this video is what I pretty much did.

  • Nadia Hamdan says:

    Hi Clay -was In a committed relationship for 15 years. Due to religious reason took that long to move in. After 5 months I was broken up with bc they don’t like my family. Is there any chance for this to be saved even if they rebounded immediately?

  • dominic Harder says:

    What if your ex broke up with her rebound and is already talking to someone new right after

  • Paladin Tactical says:

    How to respond?, how about…'Praise Jesus, now you're someone else's problem!'

  • iSoulCurser GT says:

    hey clay, im back and i need help. so here's the thing. my ex and her ldr boyfriend broke up because her bf replaced her for a girl who is nearer than him. and she was like, devastated and still loves the guy. the guy didnt give her closure and she made a new account and was complaining in our group chat that she still loves him and she has to take a break on love for a while…

    i cant make my move now because she her emotions are shut down. i can talk to her on group chat, but i still dont have the courage to private message her. i can chat her on the group chat, but how can i try to open up her emotions again and try to get her feelings back for me? we are now far away from each other because she now lives in a different city but she sometimes visit my city from time to time because of her grandmother. she doesnt log in that much, either. please help

  • David Nyro says:

    Paradox. Always. Life. If your lover leaves you and you're absolutely, totally okay with them leaving, being with another, even marrying another, and you sincerely want to be their friend only, and you, to your core, have no hidden agendas, unresolved feelings, and/or romantic love…AND the idea of spending a life together is completely, genuinely gone….well, then go for it!
    How many are in that place? Show of hands?
    Thought so.
    (And I'm also considering all the comments below. I'm sensing a lot of "hidden agendas.")
    Yes, these are advanced relationship skills. Advanced mature human skills.
    And if you're really, truly there in that space, with no interest in being with them again romantically, then bravo for you!
    Here's one of multiple paradoxes: SO, would it then follow that if they decided down the road they'd like to be with you again, you would kindly decline? Right?
    Because those feelings are gone, right?
    That history has been compartmentalized. Remember: you had NO hidden agenda.
    Is this too black and white?
    What about emotional nuance?
    Hmm.
    I get and agree with Clay's point about valuing your ex-partner's opinions and values. As Clay says, who wants to be with someone who doesn't value your feelings, opinions, values, etc., right?
    Which begs another question: after they've left you, why do/did you want to continue in ANY kind of relationship in the first place? Purely for that connection? Is this "connection without relationship?" What exactly does that mean?
    And what about their current lover? Even if you could make this emotional and mental leap and just develop that emotional connection with no ulterior motives, what will their current lover say, how will they feel?
    How would your ex navigate this?
    In a perfect world, your ex's current lover would be very secure and wouldn't be concerned that his partner (or her partner) is connecting with an old lover. And not just a lover of little consequence, but someone that person at one time wanted to spend their lives with!
    But how often does this happen? It can, and does, but not the norm in my experience.

    And let's get real: if your ex is with someone new, they're not likely to choose to spend time with you, no matter how deep your friendship was and/or how emotionally mature you are (or can play!) (Unless she's using you and that connection, consciously, or unconsciously, for her own ulterior motives in terms of her current partner. I know that's kinda dark, but it's not necessarily science-fiction.)

    Another paradox: Clay talks about hearing, understanding, and honoring your ex's feelings, wants, needs, insecurities, values, priorities, goals, sensibilities, fears, dreams, and all of that! Yes! Of course. Essential. This has been one of the basic tenets of pretty much every self-help guru, from Dale Carnegie to, well, Clay Andrews! 🙂
    BUT what if this is not a two-way street? What if it was always all (or mostly all) about your partners wants and needs, and yours were not considered or were shunted to the background? You might share a lot of values and priorities, but that doesn't mean your feelings, opinions, etc. are identical and if she's okay, that means you'll be okay. (Unless you're one of those people whose entire identity – your value, your self-worth – revolves around meeting the needs of others; that all your needs are met by meeting their needs. Hoo boy. That's a whole other chapter!)
    My ex often said she didn't feel honored or cherished because I didn't do everything she wanted me to do. She held firm. I should've paid more attention to that. I should've given up the things she wanted me to give up because, in that moment, that was all that mattered to her. It didn't matter if it was fair, right, wrong, unreasonable, emotional blackmailing, inflexible, controlling, justified, wonderful, black, white…It didn't matter. These were her feelings and if I wanted to be perceived as someone who truly cared about her, I needed to do the things she needed, regardless of my point of view, my ego.
    I didn't do enough of those things and she left.
    As Clay said, I needed to show her that I cared about her emotional needs. I truly did care about those, but I was selfish and continued to pursue my music, which she couldn't abide any more. She delivered her ultimatum. She left.
    So, there's the challenge: to find that happy medium – and to be able to communicate all this rationally and compassionately – that creates that dynamic where your partner feels seen, valued, loved, cherished and honored, without you feeling that your own values, feelings, etc. must take a back seat. (Yes, this is where having shared values, priorities, feelings, styles and so on does come into play, does help.)
    Another paradox: practice these advanced relationship skills BEFORE you break up. Much, much, much easier to patch a crack in the dam, then repair the entire dam (and hold back all that water) after it's burst! That analogy is pretty much spot on in terms of scale and scope. Yeah. It's HUGE.
    Good luck everyone!!! Because if we think the odds are already against us in keeping an existing relationship going and growing; well, they are REALLY against us in terms of getting back with an ex.
    My advice – and only my opinion folks – is: if you're kicked to the curb, move on. Let go. Keep letting go. Hard to do, especially if you have attachment challenges, but let go…
    No matter how much you loved this person, or still love them.
    Let go.
    NO matter how special and rare it was, move one. (Btw, my experience has been that the truly special, singular relationships ARE special and rare. They don't grow on trees. That said, I know people who feel they're able to have singular, special, unique relationships with most they connect with. Good for them. But I haven't experienced this with myself. There really were some truly special people in my life…So it's a tough loss to have these special people leave one's life forever.)

    Let go.
    And I know myself. I WOULD want to be together with her again. I loved her as I've loved no other. I have to own my major role in why she left. My fault.
    Family and counselors said even if I'd done what she asked, there would've been future demands, and it would've never ended. There would always be more hoops to jump through, testing and proving, because of her insecurities. Maybe. But you know what? No one really knows and we'll never find out, will we? Maybe if I'd done what she asked, that's all it would've taken and we would've had a decent chance.
    But here's another thing: I would always have a "hidden agenda." Pretending that wasn't there would be like me trying to pretend I don't care, I don't feel, I don't know who I am.
    I love her and want her to be happy and have a wonderful life. She's doing that and that's enough for me.
    We move on.
    Thanks Clay. Keep up the great work! I do like your concept of "connection-focused" vs relationship-focused. Strong, viable tactic!

  • Z W says:

    The really hard part is when you're trying to reach out and they've went from hot and cold, to just cold… and connecting is hard because they're so up their rebound's rear end, or the rebound is so insecure they are constantly watching them. No idea how to read the situation anymore. 🙁 I really hope you're right Clay, I've been trying to build an emotional connection for what feels like forever. I thought I was making progress but the last two weeks it's gotten more distant and cold.

  • Calida 89 says:

    My short term relationship ex wanted to keep me somehow in his life.. But went after 3 days with a old friend.. Since 2 months there are in a rs.. But I heard a friend met him drunk n she yelled at him tht he is a wank n should fuc* off.. But days later he said they do each other well.. As both got hurt from previous rs..
    Well thanks he did pretty much same with me..
    N he donno if it's love..
    He Said I am a very beautiful woman with a very beautiful heart but not the one he could love.. n he feels sry tht it happened with me..
    Well he had a heavy crush on me..but after it got deep he sabotaged.. N after deep talks he felt analyzed.. He said I tried to lull him with the things I done for him……
    .. N I always wanted to take a picture of the both of us.. He always thought I wanted to show it to the world… Like to represetate something… Like his ex
    . N told me he always felt pressure even if I haven't done anything at all..
    N than he started distance..
    I think he can't get deep..
    N I guess he searched someone like me but he couldn't handle me.. I used 2 ne understanding.. N never called him bad names.. I donno if he think to call him a wank n tht he can fu*k off, is actually love…. He got less self-esteem so that's wht confirm it..
    Thts very sad..
    N I had a surgery today morning.. He knew it.. He wished me last week as we talked for 2 hours.. But I started crying after waking up as I felt so disappointed.. Ppl I didn't expect wished me n asked about the surgery.. But he didn't.. I cried again heavily as it just hurt me a lot.. :'u are important to me….' ' bla bla..
    N Thts how important I truly am…
    He simply didn't deserve my love..

    I still have his stuff n handmade Christmas gift home.. Should I send him with a :' never wanna meet u again? As he wanted to meet up to get his stuff as we are grown ups….

  • Marianna Krejniuk says:

    I think that when we have really grown and become out best version, the exes must also deserve us.

  • Amy Lynn’s says:

    So I think my ex is at riding the dragon. Last night he had a stomach ache so I made him tea . He is almost like a time bomb. I can say one thing wrong and he explodes. Recently he told me he blocked everyone one out of his life,his friends his family, social media, etc. he is looking to work on his self, he told me he wants to be on my level. He wants to have better credit and save for a car. Before he considers a relationship.
    So last night I asked him so your talking to no one? (Because last time he said this he has that rebound girl) I probably should of kept my mouth shut, but it has to be lonely not talking to anyone. He got angry and started calling me names basically. But this morning I got a text saying he is sorry for what he said; he said those things because he had a belly ache and that he hopes I have a good day.
    I’m just wondering how to push forward.
    And if there is even a chance.
    I want to have more positive times with him, more positive heart to heart, and I never mean to set him off.
    Maybe he just isn’t ready for heart to heart conversation yet, because they usually make him grumpy.
    We can however talk about things like work, and our pets fine.
    He knows I love him still. And I asked him how much time is he thinking to get his life back together. And he told me around spring.
    Any suggestions for us

    He works mornings I work nights, we still live together. His new work schedule starting he will be coming home from work while I’m leaving for work, so this will create a lot of space for us. We will still have off mondays together and Sunday evenings and Tuesday mornings .

    I have been watching your videos and trying to apply your technique with him. But sometimes I feel like I mess up, like last night. It’s hard to know what I can say around him , or do around him.

    This past week we got to the point where he would kiss my forehead before he left for work. While I’m sleeping.
    But somethings he does comes off so harsh. And really gets to me.

  • Tim Sullivan says:

    Unfortunately wife meant it

  • Louis Ridgway says:

    Fellow just go up. She told you there no chance to get back together. She is doing you a favor by setting you free. Rejection is a good thing it makes you tougher and more wiser. When you go fishing for that trustworthy beautiful young women to spend rest of your life with she be much better than what you left behind.

  • Tracyseg Grant says:

    Thanks so much for this video clay, what great advise!

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